The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

In her OAB blog post this week, Kat Cooley wondered if there is some way to predict whether (adoptive and first) parents entering into open adoptions truly understand the importance of openness and are really committed to doing what they can to make it work. She asked readers to comment on what drives them to maintain their open adoption relationships. It sparked some great–still ongoing–conversation in the comments section. I encourage you to read the post and comments for yourself.

Reader Racilous suggested that we continue the conversation in a roundtable, which I thought was a great idea. (And for those of you who left comments on Kat’s column, you already have your roundtable post started!). In Racilous’ words:

Why has or hasn’t openness worked for you?

If you are in a healthy functional open adoption, why do you think it’s working? If it doesn’t work, why do you think it stopped working? Do you think the success or failure was about education and expectations going in? Do you think it was that your personalities matched or clashed? Do you think there is something you do or did during the relationship that kept it going or was there a certain point that it changed the relationship from bad to good? Was it a mixture of all of these things?

Here is the HTML code for the Roundtable button up above, if you’d like to use it:

<a href="http://openadoptionbloggers.com/open-adoption-roundtable/"><img src="http://openadoptionbloggers.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/oab-rt-button.jpg?w=150" border="0"></a>

The responses:

Valerie (adult adoptee, first parent) @ From Another Mother
Susiebook (first parent) @ Endure for the Night

About the author:
A mother by open adoption, Heather Schade is the founder and editor of Open Adoption Bloggers. She writes at Production, Not Reproduction.

One of those things is learning that when asked about why an open adoption closed, a majority of adoptive parents will feel it was due to birth parents’ choice and most birth parents will feel it was the adoptive parents’ choice.  In some cases I can see how this might happen.  There have been times when my son’s parents and I have been in less frequent contact, especially in the early years of our open adoption journey.  It is easy for either or both of us to construe that as an indication that the other does not want to be in contact, which can increase the length of time between communication.  Had none of us reached out and broken the silence it would be fairly easy for each side to believe the other had been responsible for closing the adoption, when in fact either side could have made the effort to keep it open.

Of course not all adoptions that close do so because of contact lulls; as with openness itself there is a spectrum.  Perhaps there was a misunderstanding and each party is waiting for the other to make amends.  Perhaps one party explicitly states they will no longer be communicating.  I can’t quantify  how many open adoptions close. However, I’ve witnessed it happening all too often recently and even if it is a small percentage that is too much.

While I know there is no way to see the future I can’t help but think there must be some way to gauge the likelihood that a person will maintain an open relationship.

What do those participating in successful open adoptions have in common? Is there a single magical piece of information that needs to be conveyed for participants to understand its importance? Is there a way to know if someone truly believes in openness and is not just giving the answers they think the agency/home study writer/expectant mother wants to hear?

I don’t have the answers, but I am making a note to look into it for my PhD research or beyond.

In the meantime, what drives you to maintain your open adoption relationship?

About the author:
Kat Cooley, MSW writes here at Open Adoption Bloggers twice a month. She is a social worker providing comprehensive all options counseling to those experiencing unplanned pregnancy and will soon be returning to school to pursue a PhD in Social Work and focus on adoption related research .  She is also a birth mom over a decade into an open adoption.  She is always open to suggestions for topics; you can leave them in the comments, at the OAB Facebook page, or tweet her @KMCooleyMSW.

It’s time for the May blog hop! We’re posting the question today (Wednesday) and opening up for comments tomorrow (Thursday). How do you play along?

1. Answer the blog hop question on your blog and link to your post in a comment below on Thursday.
2. Visit and comment on at least three other participating blogs.

Easy, right? Here we go!

What was the last book you read?

Comments will open up on Thursday. Comments open!

***

Tell us about yourself and your connection to open adoption.

Amber: My name is Amber and I am a mother of two children, both placed in our family through open adoption. My husband, Nate, and I will have been married 10 years this coming fall. After a brief (in retrospect, brief) struggle with infertility, we turned towards adoption to build our family. We have a very open adoption with our four year old son’s birth mother and her family. Our daughter is just a few months old and we also have an open adoption with her birth mom, though not nearly as open as our son’s, per her birth mom’s desire.

Ashley: I am a birth mom to the most beautiful, lovable, intelligent little man. I placed him with an amazing and open-minded couple that have blessed me with a wonderfully open relationship.

How did you start blogging?

Amber: After our son’s adoption was finally finalized, I had so many questions in person, through email and facebook messages on a daily basis about our adoption, and especially the openness side of it. Friends saw Ash as part of our lives and were very genuinely interested and curious. It was really easier to just put our story out there and let people read it for themselves instead of having to individually respond to every email and question. I tend to overshare when talking, so it also helped with only sharing the things that I was interested in sharing in writing.

Ashley: Actually, blogging scares me and makes me nervous. The idea of people peeking into my brain and seeing insecurities and crazy ideas is a little intimidating. I am a super reserved person and often times can’t seem to say what I feel. However, Amber is a social butterfly and has encouraged me to spread the word on open adoption. I believe 100% in open adoption and the psychological benefits for all parties involved . I think it brings healing to birth moms, strengthens family ties, and above all erases any question of rejection from the child’s mind. My greatest fear in life is that my son would ever feel unwanted. I get a little crazy about my opinions and I find myself being able to communicate my thoughts through writing. So, Amber’s to blame for my soapbox rants

Have you ever been surprised by something the other one wrote? Has knowing your son’s other mother is reading changed your own writing?

Amber: I had a family blog before we adopted, but shut it down through the process for privacy’s sake. I only started blogging again when Ash was aware of it. I seek to always portray my true self in person and in writing.

I then turned to Amber. She was beautiful and very nervous. Hugging her was special because Bundle hugged her too. I’ll never forget when she looked at me and then at Bundle. It was a defining moment in that day and in my life. It wasn’t the sparkle of excitement in her eyes or the kindness that I saw, those things I expected. It was the sadness that I saw, not for her or from her past but for me. I had put myself in her shoes so many times and I knew she would be nervous and hesitant and excited. But the fact that she had thought about me, my feelings, what I was about to do, made me realize that she already loved Bundle. She had a kind heart, she understood me.

Ashley: I am surprised more by a progression rather than a particular blog. Amber’s idea of Mother’s Day and me has slowly evolved into a shared day between us. It started out with recognizing me on “Birth Mom’s Day,” which made me so happy to be thought of! Over the past couple years, Amber has progressed to honoring me on Mother’s Day. Any recognition is over and above, but sharing the spotlight with me is overwhelming. I have come to understand that being a Mommy is so very special to her and then she goes and shares her day with me!

Amber’s capacity to love takes her relationships the extra mile even when it is not asked of her, in all areas of her life. I have this idea that in the adoption world the role of Mommy is so coveted and protected that the Birth Mom thing is often seen as a threat. To put it simply, this makes Amber a weirdo, a pioneer, a shining light. I couldn’t love her more for it. Knowing that she reads what I write makes me want to fully express my appreciation for her because my words, face to face, always fall short of what I am trying to say…mostly because I blubber and can’t function.

If a reader were going to read just one post on Amber’s blog, which would you choose?

Amber: Our most recent post together. It’s short and simple and perfectly describes our family built together through open adoption.

Ashley: The post by Amber I would recommend is “What is openness in adoption to you” because it is such a simple but powerful description of our family from her eyes. As for something I’ve written—I would say “Birth MomBoogeyman” because it touches on a common fear for birth moms that is not always expressed.

If you could go back to the beginning of your adoption experience and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?

Amber: I was sharing recently with a friend who was struggling with infertility, how I felt like I couldn’t handle the emotions of the infertility process any longer. That I felt like we were meant to adopt, and I do still feel that way. But I had no idea what an overwhelming emotional process adoption is and continues to be. It’s not something that ends when you finally have your baby. In our case with our son, we were sent on an emotional journey that rocked us to the core and is still overwhelming to think about. I guess I would say, HOLD ON, you definitely do not have the strength to handle what you are about to go through, and the only way you will survive is through God’s grace. Adoption is not the easy route. It’s rewarding and has amazing parts of it, but it is also has difficult parts that will continue to be for the rest of your lives.

Ashley: I would tell myself “Don’t panic! The heart of life is good.” Life has thrown me a few fastballs in the past. The idea of adoption and placing my son seemed like it was going to be the final strike for me. But I have come to believe that Divine Intervention always steps in and orchestrates when innocent lives and sacrifices are involved. I could not have dreamed a better situation for my son or myself. All I wanted was for my son to be loved, safe, secure, and in a functioning family. I was prepared to sacrifice my desires and involvement for this. But God out did himself, life redeemed itself, and we hit that final pitch out of the park. It is certainly not always skipping through fields of daisies hand in hand. Amber and I have had to establish roles and work on our balancing act. Nothing worth having is easy. There is a spectacular beauty in open adoption that sprouts from compromise, openness, and sacrifice. I am not Mommy. Amber is not Birth Mom. But our common ground is made of rock and builds a foundation that can withhold the questions, disapproval, feelings of rejection, and whatever else is coming our little family’s way.

***

Thank you so much to Ashley and Amber for answering our questions! You can check out past interviews with other bloggers from the Open Adoption Bloggers blogroll here including two other birth mom/adoptive mom pairs: Erica and Rebecca and Rebekah and Rebekah. Have a blogger you’d like to see us interview? Let us know!

About the author:
A mother by open adoption, Heather Schade is the founder and editor of Open Adoption Bloggers. She writes at Production, Not Reproduction.

For your reading pleasure, a selection of writing about Mother’s Day and adoption chosen by OAB readers:

A Letter to My Foster Mother by Amanda of The Declassified Adoptee

An open letter to pastors {A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day} by Amy of The Messy Middle

To My Son on Mother’s Day by Racilous of Adoption in the City

Dear Moms of Adopted Children by Kathy Lynn Harris

Mother’s Day by Melissa of Dear Baby

What I Want to Say to You on Mother’s Day by Heather of Production, Not Reproduction

In May by Danielle of Another Version of Mother

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Even the best of relationships can go through times of silence and disconnect. It can be hard to know where to go from there, particularly in the context of adoption. OAB reader Kerstin sent in this question about open adoption relationships that seem to have ground to a halt:

What to do when the ball is dropped in open adoption…when any one of the people involved just flat-out stop responding? Break-downs, break-ups…when does giving someone space turn into a one-sided relationship? Should you try harder to connect? Should you give up? Any methods to re-start, especially when there was no specific, known event leading up to disconnection?

Have you experienced a stalled open adoption relationship? Have you ever been the one who pulled away? Tell us about that.

The responses (so far):

Michelle (adoptive parent) @ Seriously?!

Robyn (adoptive parent) @ The Chittister Family

About the author:
A mother by open adoption, Heather Schade is the founder and editor of Open Adoption Bloggers. She writes at Production, Not Reproduction.

A conference participant from the back of the room shared her desire to someday adopt and asked if her reasons for adopting were the “right” reasons. (I do not remember her exact words but that was the gist). An adoptive parent on the panel, Marisa, was eloquent enough to inform her and the rest of the crowd that adoption is hard–both the process itself and the parenting that comes after–so at least one of your reasons should be the “selfish” desire of wanting to be a parent.

My response went beyond that: the reasons don’t matter. That it’s not about WHY you adopt and much more about HOW you adopt. I don’t mean which adoption path you choose, but the ethical way in which you proceed down any adoption path. I usually get to talk to those who have already adopted and this opportunity to talk to those considering adoption or just beginning the process is very welcome.

Recognize your power and privilege as a person preparing to adopt.

I’m not referring to completing the process with a child, but the power to support ethical agencies by paying for their services and to discourage unethical agencies by refusing to participate in their unethical practices. The privilege to take your time, educate yourself, ask questions, and find the right agency.

Ask the hard questions. If you don’t like the answers you hear figure out why and do not just leave it at that. Is the agency doing something you believe to be immoral or unethical (e.g. promising babies in impossibly short time frames, guaranteeing that expectant mothers won’t change their minds about placing, relocating expectant mothers to “adoption friendly” states, charging different fees based on a baby’s race)? Let them know what it is and that it is why you will not be working with them.

What I didn’t get to say, but also matters is how you continue after you’ve adopted.

Prepare yourself for openness.

While you’re educating yourself about adoption, also look into the research on why openness is so important. Bear in mind also that the world is filled with technology that now makes closed adoptions all but impossible. Even if you go into an adoption planning on it being closed, it is unlikely to stay that way. Additionally, as one New Worlds of Adoption conference speaker pointed out, the second you bring home an adopted child you’re also bringing home that child’s birth parents, because they are inside of the child.

* I’m kidding; it was so not about being a token and panel organizer Gretchen and everyone else did such a good job of not making it out like I was second string.

At one point as I read through, I found myself thinking, “This is the adoption book the Internet wrote.” Not because the book is not Lori’s through and through–her sensitive, balanced writing permeates. Rather because on nearly every page I recognized quotes, ideas, advice, admonishments, stories, and names from many of the adoption blogs that have graced our broader community these past several years. I imagine many of you will have the same experience when you read The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption (and I hope you do read it–it’s worth it!).

I asked Lori a few questions about her process of writing and publishing her book.  Read through her interview, then be sure to enter to win your very own copy of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption at the end of the post. The giveaway closes on May 17.

Tell us about your book!

My new book, which includes passages from my daughter’s birth mom, Crystal, is called The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole. It flows from the premise that adoption creates a split between a person’s biology and biography, and openness is an effective way to heal that split. Hence the focus on the child becoming whole through the openness of the adults who love him or her.

Openness means not just contact, but also the way in which the grownups in the adoption constellation comport themselves. We are open to co-creating a relationship together–power is not used by one party against another. We are open to being clear and honest with ourselves so that we can be clear an honest with the others in our adoption relationships. We are open to having tough conversations as our child grows and develops cognitively. We are open and vulnerable and authentic, for it is from this openness that we can best give our child the space to wonder, to develop, and to integrate his identity that come from all of his parts.

By now, almost everyone knows why open adoption serves well the people living in it, but this book also tells how to create and sustain one over the years as a child grows. It covers common open-adoption situations and how real families have navigated typical issues successfully.  Like all useful parenting books, it provides the tools for parents (both adoptive- and birth- ) to come to answers on their own, and it addresses challenges that might arise one day.

Our book was written for people involved in infant adoption, in international adoption, in foster adoption and even in donor sperm/egg/embryo situations — in any circumstance in which the result is a person whose biology and biography come from different sets of parents. Adoption professionals may also be interested in having this book available as a resource for clients, as it covers not just the initial stages of an adoption, but also the parenting stages we face over the long haul.

What made you decide to write a book about adoption?

Lori & Crystal

I realized, after being in the open adoption blogosphere and frequenting adoption boards for many years, that I had learned a lot by listening to people involved in adoption. Not just from adoptive parents like me, but also from others in the adoption constellation–first parents and adoptees–who could really teach me something from a different perspective than my own. I was surprised to learn, at first, that adoption was not necessarily wonderful for all involved. I was dismayed to learn, at second, that people sometimes break their promises in adoption. I was relieved, at third, to find a contingent of people living in open adoption–birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents–who sought to “do” open adoption honorably and with their child at the center.

I wished I’d had some short cuts in my approach to openness in parenting, and I wanted to bring such short cuts to others, to share the insights that these smart and compassionate people had revealed to me. I brought Crystal in to tell our story from our dual viewpoints and offer her thoughts and feelings as our story unfolds.

Any surprises during the writing process?

I had a moment of panic upon landing a book contract. All of a sudden it was real. I had to write a freakin’ book! What if I had nothing to say? I was used to writing in 800 word chunks. How was I ever going to come up with 70,000 words–all of them helpful and cohesive and meaningful? It seemed like I’d just signed on to climb Mt Everest or dive the Marianas trench by training in my backyard.

So my biggest surprise was that when I sat down to write, each and every time, the words and the ideas were there. As you can see from the book’s acknowledgements, many people stepped up to help me with that (many of them Open Adoption Bloggers!). I am supremely grateful for that steady flow.

How did you make the decision about self-publishing vs. working with a traditional publisher?

My first choice was to find a traditional publisher. I wanted someone who knew their way around all the publisher-y things–get the ISBN number, get the book edited, vetted, typeset, printed distributed and stored, come up with a cover, make the book available through online book sellers, get it into libraries.The thought of doing all that on top of writing the book seemed daunting to me. Kudos to authors who are willing to take all that on.

What advice would you give to someone thinking about writing an adoption book?

Be very clear what your main objective is. Is it to document and tell your own story? To share what you know with others? To make money? Having this clarity up front will guide your efforts not only in writing your book but also in the path you choose to get it published.

If, by chance, your main objective is to make money, you might want to find another way. I’m told that very few authors are able to make a living by writing niche books. Your endeavor really needs to be a labor of love in order to slog through the writing, editing and marketing processes. And never EVER calculate the cents per hour you earn.

Lastly, I found Melissa Ford’s DIY MFA (Do It Yourself Masters of Fine Arts) series incredibly helpful at each stage of my book’s emergence, especially the parts about developing a book proposal and querying agents.

Click here to enter the giveaway for a copy of “The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption”!

ETA: The giveaway has ended–thanks to all who entered.

[FTC Disclosure: The publishers provided Open Adoption Bloggers with a review copy of "The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption" and will provide fulfillment for the giveaway. No other compensation was received.]

Here are the blogs added to the blogroll in April:

FIRST/BIRTH PARENTS

Shel in the World: I am a birth mother in an open adoption. This blog is a collection of memories and rambles about my experiences as a birth parent.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS

Discovering Joy in the Storm: After 5 years of failed infertility treatment we moved on to open adoption, now parenting an amazing little boy.

Poemfish: Writing about open adoption and parenting by a non-bio lesbian mom. My wife is a first/birth mom (open adoption 14 years ago) and an adoptee (closed adoption in the 70s), so her experiences are part of our journey.

CONNECTION:

• We announced the upcoming Best of the Blogs: Mother’s Day + Adoption list, bringing together the best writing on Mother’s Day and adoption–chosen by you. Submissions are open through May 9.

OAB BLOG:

• This month’s “Meet the Bloggers” interview was with former social worker Addison Cooper of Adoption at the Movies.
• Contributor Kat Cooley addressed the difficult topic of children struggling with their emotions after visits.
• Guest blogger Harriet Fancott shared a powerful commentary on the courage required in open adoption.
• Counselors Dawn Friedman and Meg Jeske took a look at the questions, “How do I know when counseling will help?” and, “How do I find an adoption-competant therapist?” in a pair of guest posts.

CONNECT WITH THE COMMUNITY:

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